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My Turn by Wayne Chan

From The Asian Reporter, V28, #21 (November 5, 2018), page 6.

It’s not easy being insanely, crazy, filthy rich, but somehow, some way, I’ll manage.

You see, when the numbers were drawn for the recent Mega Millions lottery, which had not been won in months, it was worth more than a billion dollars. When nobody won that drawing, the next one was just shy of 1.6 billion dollars.

It just so happened that in all those months of no one winning, I hadn’t even bothered to play. When the jackpot tipped over a billion dollars, I figured, sure, why not? I’m in for $20.

I even threw in another $20 for the $1.537 billion-dollar one. I was sure I could win.

I’d read somewhere that the odds of winning a big-dollar lottery drawing was well over 300 million to 1. But since I didn’t even bother to play any of the previous ones, I figured my chances were really more like a trillion to 1. Since investing (yes, I said "investing") my hard-earned cash, I guessed my chances were now … 300 million divided by 40, carry the four. So maybe 50/50.

I thought that by the time you read this column, I would have already returned from the 7-Eleven where I bought my tickets. I’d envisioned them having big bills on hand so it would not take me a ton of trips to collect my prize.

Since I was pretty optimistic I would win the billion-dollar drawing, I also started planning. After all, it’s not all fun and games. I have responsibilities to take care of.

First, we have kids. I needed to be sure I took care of them — one million. That would do it. Now on to the $999,000,000 I’d have left.

Next: Our home. We live in a nice home in the suburbs with terrific neighbors. The only problem? That mortgage. I’ll pay a monthly mortgage until the year 2058 before the house is completely ours. But now, with my newly acquired tycoon status, I can pay off the whole mortgage and do a few renovations to boot. I always get a sore back after playing tennis every week. How did I ever manage without a built-in sauna in my house? What am I, a barbarian?

And then there’s our pool. Nothing really wrong with the pool, but how on earth did I ever survive having a pool without a swim-up bar so I can play poker while sitting in the pool? It doesn’t really matter that I don’t drink or really ever gamble. I also need the bar to make room for the automatic French-fry dispensing machine.

And let’s not forget the car. I usually drive a 2007 Dodge Ram pickup. That has to go. Let’s go with the stretch SUV limo with the built-in pinball machine. And while I’m at it, include the automatic French-fry dispensing machine option as well.

As a matter of fact, let’s just simplify things. For everything else on my tycoon wish list, just add the words "include the French-fry option." I know what it means.

For those who are thinking I was getting a little ahead of myself — well, maybe so.

As many people now know, I did not win the big jackpot. (Someone in South Carolina bought the winning ticket.) I know, it’s unfathomable to me that I lost. But what do I regret not having?

Actually, not all that much. I can’t imagine having a more perfect partner in my wife, regardless of how much money I have. Same goes for my son, who seems to be really making his way in college. My two developmentally disabled kids, even with their challenges, are healthy, happy, and doing well.

I have neighbors who lined up to deliver home-cooked meals to us when I had a minor operation. I have friends who call just to say hello. And my extended family makes an effort to stay in touch because, well, that’s just what families do.

If you think about it that way, I guess it doesn’t really matter what happened in the drawings. I’ve already hit the jackpot.

Opinions expressed in this newspaper are those of the
authors and not necessarily those of this publication.