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My Turn
by

Wayne Chan

From The Asian Reporter, V32, #2 (February 7, 2022), page 6.

I would hate to be a hamster in Hong Kong right now

Many years ago, writer and columnist Wayne Chan met a young man who creates comic strips, a good portion of them drawn from the perspective of an Asian American. When Wayne saw the cartoonist’s works, he thought they were truly terrific. They got to talking and thought it might be a perfect match if they collaborated, combining Wayne’s writing and the artist’s strips. The two work in different mediums, as Wayne writes columns and the illustrator draws comics, but they share a commonality of perspectives as Asian Americans who find humor in everyday life. Wayne Chan the columnist lives in the San Diego area. Wayne Chan the cartoonist is based in the Bay Area.

It turns out authorities in Hong Kong have stopped pet stores from selling hamsters, and taken to "humanely" culling the furry little creatures on the suspicion the hamsters could infect humans with COVID-19. For some context, the City University of Hong Kong’s Center for Animal Health and Welfare said the risk of contracting the virus from pets is "negligible."

Still, government authorities aren’t taking any chances, and have requested that new hamster owners voluntarily relinquish their furry companions to be dealt with.

I have questions.

Question #1: While I doubt any significant effort is even being made, how would one even do a rapid COVID-19 test on a hamster? Do the test manufacturers actually produce a cotton swab that fits in a hamster’s nose?

Question #2: If we don’t test hamsters for coronavirus, how would we even know they had it? How does one ask a hamster if they’ve suddenly lost their sense of taste or smell? I haven’t yet contracted COVID-19, but for the life of me, I still can’t tell you what lettuce tastes or smells like. It’s like eating crunchy nothing.

Question #3: How does one "humanely" kill a hamster? I have no idea, but if I had to guess, I’d imagine cannabis-infused brownies and Kenny G playing in the background are involved.

Apparently, a voluntary roundup of hamsters isn’t a strong enough solution, according to some lawmakers. Hong Kong lawmaker Michael Tien said a mandate to round up hamsters was necessary, and to only "strongly recommend" people turn in their hamsters is "neither fish nor fowl."

Wait a minute. I thought we were talking about hamsters!?! Now you want Nemo, too?

For some in Hong Kong, this latest assault on hamster rights in Hong Kong’s "Zero COVID" policy has gone one hamster step too far. Actual "Resistance Fighters" have formed to hide and care for the targeted rodents. Apparently they’ve formed, shall I say, an "Underground Hamster Wheel?"

Well, I say good for you, Hong Kong pet owners. I wouldn’t give up my pet based on false assumptions or panicked decision-making, either. As far as I’m concerned, we should follow the science. Blaming hamsters for COVID-19? That’s just crazy.

Thank heavens I live in the U.S., where everyone’s rational.

You’ll have to excuse me, I’m waiting for my monthly shipment of horse paste and bleach and I don’t want to miss it.

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Opinions expressed in this newspaper are those of the
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My Turn by

Wayne Chan

My Turn
by