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My Turn
by

Wayne Chan

From The Asian Reporter, V33, #2 (February 6, 2023), page 6.

The UMCA dilemma

I’ve coined a new phrase.

The new phrase is Unintentionally Misleading Cultural Authenticity (or UMCA, for short). Yes, that’s a lot of big words, but I’ve claimed this phrase as my own. You can’t have it.

What does it mean? Well, I’ll tell you. Actually, no — let me give you an example.

A couple weeks ago, we had a few friends over for a visit. My wife Maya, as always, did a terrific job setting up some appetizers and drinks as we all caught up with everyone’s lives before the holidays.

After a few minutes of conversation, Maya went into the kitchen and brought out a new snack for us to try — individually wrapped pineapple cakes.

Maya said, "You all need to try these pineapple cakes. I used to eat these every year right before Chinese New Year. They’re so good and they remind me of home."

And yes, they were good. Kind of a mushy, pineappley center surrounded by a flaky, moist crust. Perfectly delectable.

But here is where the UMCA part comes in — I bought them at Costco.

Now, in Maya’s defense, she never said she brought them back from Taiwan the last time she was there, or had them flown in on a private charter from her favorite Pineapple Cake bakery that has been making them consistently for 50 years. But, for some guests who just sat down who now see a platter of individually packaged, exotic-looking pastries, that’s the vibe everyone seemed to have.

I guess it doesn’t really matter that I was the one who went to Costco. With the platoon-size bag of toilet paper and the barrel-size jug of peanut butter in my cart, I spotted some pineapple cakes and simply thought, "Hmm … these look good, I think I’ll buy a box."

If you’re still unclear as to my personal UMCA predicament, let’s try another thought experiment, but this time, with a different Costco item.

You visit my house as a guest, and after serving a delightful meal, I bring out the dessert, the pièce de résistance.

I say, "I just can’t wait for you to try this. It brings back such fond memories of my childhood. Coming home after playing with all my neighborhood pals, I could just smell the wafting aroma of cinnamon from the apple pie as it cooled right next to the kitchen windowsill after grandma pulled the steaming hot pie out of the oven. Ahh … those were the days."

I probably spoiled the story by finishing with, "By the way, if your slice isn’t hot enough, I can nuke it again for 30 seconds in the microwave."

But let’s get back to the pineapple cakes. Did we really do anything wrong? I mean, they are actual pineapple cakes. They just happened to be purchased at Costco.

Wait a minute. What if our friends go to Costco and see the pineapple cakes! We’ll be finished! Our ruse will be uncovered! We’ll both be viewed as pineapple-cake frauds!

I need to return to our local Costco and buy up all the pineapple cakes — an expensive way to get rid of the evidence, for sure. Or I suppose I could just give it up now and tell our friends the truth.

Well, I guess I just did.

Humor writer Wayne Chan lives in the San Diego area;

cartoonist Wayne Chan is based in the Bay Area.

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Opinions expressed in this newspaper are those of the
authors and not necessarily those of this publication.

My Turn by

Wayne Chan

My Turn
by